Homegrown Texan

"Heaven's just there to make people not be scared of dying."
-Michael, age 8

Yesterday I received a box of formula samples in the mail. Yes, baby formula. Yes, my *youngest* son is 6. I guess they aren't exactly doing focus marketing.

Not because my son is way too old. That didn't piss me off, that just made me laugh at their stupidity. It just make me angry that there is very little support for moms who want to breastfeed, or to encourage moms to breastfeed. I was recently at a party that happened to have a lot of members from La Leche League present.  One of the ladies just lost her job as a lactation consultant at the local hospital (where I delivered Michael) because her entire department got cut.  This made me sad, but it also made me mad as I thought about it more, because I remembered back to when I had Michael, and not once did anyone mention that there was any kind of help at all with breastfeeding.  I had all sorts of formula cans dumped on me, unsolicited mind you, but even though I made it very clear that I very much wanted to breastfeed, not once did anyone say "if you run into any problems there is a lactation team you can talk to".  I *do*  remember being told that if I chose not to breastfeed, there was a little class I could go to where I could learn how to dry myself up with minimal pain and discomfort.  Gee, thanks.

Anyway, receiving these samples just brought it all back to me.  I understand that there is no money to be made in promoting breastfeeding, and all sorts of money to be made in promoting formula feeding.  And as a big fan of the free market, I get that.  And I'm not debating the formula companies' rights to market the way they do. I just think it's unethical, and I hate that.  It's not like they wouldn't have a market if they didn't.  I mean, WTF, how much money do they need to make?

So, I wrote "return to Sender" on the box.  And in big black magic marker I wrote things like "Breastfeeding promotes growth and minimizes illness", "Human milk for human babies", "Support breastfeeding moms".  I also responded to comments on the box: "Motherhood rocks, and so do you" (response: "I sure do, I make my own milk!").  "A free gift of nutrition for you baby...inside" (response: "Yep, unlimited supply free, right inside my body!")

I don't feel like there are many people I can tell about it, because most people I know formula fed.  And you know, I don't judge them for it.  For some people it probably really was the best decision, and for many of them, they just don't have the support and encouragement that they need.  I was pretty much a lone island, following the example of my mom who breastfed both my brother and I (something I consider just short of miraculous, especially in my case considering with me she was a 17 year old mom in 1972...the times were certainly not on her side).  For whatever reason it's something I've felt very strongly about since I was a child, and it's something that just makes sense to me.  I don't believe everyone has that same sense of "what the hell else would you do?" as I do.  And that's cool.  It just seems that every effort is made as soon as possible to undermine the chance that moms will make that choice.  And I hate that.

I know what I did won't do a damn bit of good, but it made me feel better.  Rather than send it back, I may even decide to take the formula out of the box and donate it to a local shelter, since that would probably do more good.  I did tell my mom about it.  She laughed when I told her what I wrote, and then when I started ranting about it she said (sarcastically) "wow, I guess you feel kind of strongly about that".  Haha...yeah, I guess I do.

So many moons ago, in the hills near Loch Modan, my husband and I met a lady (who looked like a man-elf, but a very handsome man-elf).  After a little talking we decided to join forces and slay the evil beasts that roamed the country there.  As time went on, we went on many quests together, combating the forces of evil together as our alliance grew into a friendship.

I am, of course, talking about a game.  An online game.  World of Warcraft, to be exact.  The lady's name is Dawn, but she played a male elf character.  We met in-game and enjoyed playing together, so added each other to one another's "friends" list.  And as we played we chatted (online) and learned that we have a lot of common interests.  We're near the same age.  We have similar senses of humor.  Sometimes we would log onto the game and just chat without really playing at all.  Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and addresses, and from that texts and Christmas gifts.  A friendship born out of a silly online game.

And next month, Dawn and her family (husband and son) are coming all the way from Canada to visit us for a week.  It started out in a chat conversation between her and I, where we referred vaguely to "if we get to meet each other some day".  Next thing we know, she's checking out airline ticket prices and hoping her husband is game.  Turned out he was, she found some deals, and we're set to have visitors!

Now we just have to get the house ready.  I'm excited because our add-on family room has been unusable for a while (read: full of junk).  The A/C ventilation in there doesn't work very well, so we stopped using the room.  But since we don't have a guest room, we want Dawn & Henry to at least be able to have a little privacy; if this room is ready they will be at the back of the house and we can hang up a curtain to give them some privacy.  And we'll have more room to hang out, too, since the living room in the front we've been using gets crowded pretty quickly.  So Jim is working on getting it ready.  Which means, not only do we get to have a really fun visit, but when it's over we'll have more house.  How cool is that?

I'm totally stoked about this visit.  I seriously cannot wait.  I little bitty tiny part of me is worried that things will be weird.  What if we don't click?  What if it's awkward?  But you know, I really, really don't think it's going to be that way.  I mean, I'd be absolutely amazed if it did.  I think we're going to get to the end of the week and wonder how the time went by so quickly.  So I guess we'll just have to plan our own trip.

My older son's 1st grade class gets to help take care of the chickens at school.  As a reward, occasionally they get to bring home an egg.  Michael brought an egg home a couple of days ago, and today he gets to have it for breakfast.  He said it's the best egg he's ever tasted.  I buy local, farm-fresh eggs, but they're never *that* fresh.  So cool!!!

When I got off work, everyone was exhausted (Jim had a rough day, too).  We didn't feel like going out.  So I scrounged up something.  Frozen chicken strips (from Trader Joe's not great, but they're ok), pasta with homemade pesto (me; I needed to make up the pesto or was gonna lose the basil), mac & cheese (Jim & kids), and broccoli (which was gonna rot if I didn't use it soon).  I really wasn't in the mood, but I know we got through dinner sooner than we would have otherwise.  Plus I saved money and kept food from going to waste.  An added bonus is that I now have a huge batch of fresh pesto in the freezer, waiting to use with a nice meal.  Woot!

Oh, and I even cleaned up all of the dishes (today, for some reason, must have been Small Appliance day, as I had to clean the juicer, a small crockpot, and the food processor).  Now it's time to relax.  Ahhhhhh.

Work today was a bitch.  We have partially working code that I have to get converted to using a different kind of UI (TreeView replacing a ListView, for anyone who cares).  So step 1 (which has taken me for-freaking-ever) is to get all of the ListView stuff that's implemented working in TreeView.  Step 2 is to add in all the stuff that wasn't even added in for the initial phase yet.

I was determined to get step 1 done today, just because I'm sick and tired of it looming over my head.  I'm close.  I have code *written*, and it compiles, but I haven't tested it yet.  But at least I have something to work with.  This project overall has been taking me way to damn long and I need to get through it.

Now I'm tired and brain dead.  After a day like today, I barely have the mental capacity to pour myself a cold one, let alone make dinner (especially since I only have something pseudo-planned).  Looks like we'll be getting take-out, even though I really don't have the energy to do that, either.  Can't the kids skip dinner for just one day?
 

My dad used to sing this old Stones classic to me when I was  a little girl and wanted something that I couldn't have.  This used to piss me off immensely, but now I just chuckle.

This post is going to be about me sorting things out "out loud" if you will.  Probably a lot of rambling.  Feel free to move on, but if you care to read and care to comment, I'd certainly welcome it.

I know I've complained before that I don't like living in Arizona, I miss my parents, and I really want to live in the forest.  I know those last two things are mutually exclusive; my parents live in central Texas, not even in the hill country, but on what used to be flat farmland.  Compared to here it's a rain forest, but really, I have to admit that living near them would not satisfy my craving to live amongst tall trees.  You know, the kind that are so tall that you can hear the wind in the tops of them while the air hardly stirs down below.  I *love* that sound.

When I'm in an environment like that, I feel like I'm complete, like some piece of me that is normally missing has locked into place.  I yearn to have that feeling all the time, but does that mean that I *need* it?   Probably not...I've never lived in that environment (aside from a short stint in New Caney, Texas, when I was 3-4, which I barely even remember), and I seem to have survived so far.  In my more dramatic (read: whiny) moments, I can imagine myself living my life, never fulfilling this dream, and what a tragedy that would be.  People could write sad poetry about me and shed tears for the woman whose life dream was never fulfilled.  I could die a martyr, sacrificing myself for the wants and needs of my family.  Bleh.

And then there's my parents.  This desire/need is probably more realistic, certainly something I can ascribe more validity to, although I don't always feel it as strongly.  I really, really miss them.  Especially my dad.  I get back to visit twice a year if I'm lucky.  I could possibly make it more, but what  I really miss is being able to drop over for a visit on the weekends.  They still work a lot, so when I do go back to visit, I really have to stay a long time to get to spend much time with them.  Fortunately, at least for now, I can telecommute from their house almost as well as i can from mine (I do have phone issues, but nothing I can't work around), but there's only so much time I feel comfortable spending away from my children, and that I feel comfortable asking Jim to stick it out alone with the kids with.  Sure, he *can* do it, and plenty of people put up with far more (I'm specifically thinking of my friend who has two kids and a husband who is deployed in Iraq).

So, what to do.  Jim doesn't really want to move to Texas.  I think if I really put my foot down, I could make it happen, anyway.  Realistically, he doesn't have a valid reason to say no.  I haven't wanted to live here for several years now, so it's only fair that i get a turn to get what I want.  But it's hard for me to want to play that card; I'm not generally that assertive and I'm not so sure it would be good for the relationship.  And then I have this "live in the forest thing" always hanging around in my head, and lo and behold, he tells me he's willing to try living in the Pacific Northwest.  This certainly meets my forest need and is something he says he can live with.  The down side is I am no longer  a day's drive (and I'm a *long* day's drive now...16 hours minimum) from my parents; far from it, in fact.  Plane tickets are increasingly expensive, and to take all 4 of us or even just me and the kids is a substantial expense.

While I was laid off in November, I interviewed for jobs in Seattle.  I absolutely loved it there...everything just seemed to be falling into place.  I *really* thought I was going to get one of the jobs.  And I really don't think it was just a matter of  me wanting it (even though I did), everything just felt like it was coming together.  Then it didn't work out  and I almost felt like the universe was just toying with me at that point.  To let me get so close to escape, and then rip it away from me.

But the truth is, it's a terrible time for us to move.  Our house isn't ready to sell or rent, and I'm not even sure if we could rent or sell it in this market.  We *cannot* afford two house payments.  And I'm adamant that my kids go to an alternative school.  This is not at all about me getting them away from certain types of people, and all about the fact that I have huge issues with the format and methods of mainstream public education.  My point being I don't necessarily want them in a private school, not only because of the expense, but because it almost automatically brings along a certain amount of snootiness for the ride, which I *don't* want.  But if my choices were regular mainstream public school or private (a private school that I agree with), I'd do my damndest to get them into private.  I've had a strong feeling since Michael was small that I needed to find something for them.  And you know, I've found that here in Phoenix.  I have them in a public charter Waldorf school.  It's not perfect and there are some things I'm not crazy about.  But overall I like it.  My children seem to be thriving there.  There is a wonderful community there.  I feel good about sending them there every day.  And that is really the huge thing...my other options in location  would require (based on my personal requirements) that I pony up and send them to private school.  Jim could get more work to pay for it, but it seems silly for him to generate more income just to throw it at a school.  We both agreed that if we moved that's what we'd do.

So that's my conundrum.  My choices are:
- Texas (Austin): gets me closer to my parents, housing is more affordable, it's possible for me to live some place wooded and beautiful there.  But I'd have to do the private school thing.
- Seattle: gives me that whole forest thing I want (need?).  I think I can eventually get a job I want there (my current one allows me to telecommute, but I don't know how long it will last, so I have to think ahead).  Jim would be happier here.  But I'd be further from my parents, and I'd have to do the private school ting.
- Portland: again, gives me that whole forest thing.  I could telecommute from there now, but I'm not so sure I could find a suitable job for myself if I needed to (no worse than here in Phoenix; when I looked at the end of last year I wasn't happy with the options, either).  Portland *does* have a Waldorf charter school, which is a huge plus and the only reason I'd choose it over Seattle.  And again, I'd be much further from my parents.
- Stay here: probably the best decision financially, simply because we don't have to incur a moving expense and/or deal with changing housing.  Kids get to stay in the school that they love and that so far we are happy with.  Still far away from my parents, but closer than the NW.  The real downside here is that I feel smothered and it feels so lifeless here.  When I put it down on paper, it just seems like I'm whining.  But the feeling is very real, and it's bothered me for years, so I'm not so sure I should just ignore it either.  Edited to add:  The other huge thing about staying here is that I have family and a lot of friends here.  I know some people in Austin (besides my parents) and Jim has a brother in Seattle, but it would definitely be a huge deal to leave our circle of friends.  At times that seems unbearable; at other times I think that I would miss them dearly, but I would also make new friends.