Homegrown Texan

I'd really like to rip my female parts out right now, since they feel like that's what's being done to them, anyway.

*puts "hysterectomy" at the top of her Christmas wish list*

Do you ever find yourself going down a particular track in life, and suddenly wake up and wonder what the hell it is you're doing?

I just had that happen to me. You see, twice within 2 weeks I had 2 separate friends (who don't know each other) approach me with a business opportunity. They were different opportunities (one is specifically travel related, the other is retail product related), but both are essentially MLMs (one claims not to be, and maybe by some technicality they are not, but the idea is very similar).

Now I don't think either of these are scams. I think they have some good products to offer and I do think the structures are set up such that the potential for making some money with them is there. Especially if you are not looking at it as a "get rich quick" scheme (which I'm not, and they weren't claiming to be). However, for me, there are a couple of problems:

1) I wouldn't use a lot of the products that are offered. The travel one offers some really cool vacations at awesome prices, and while I'd love to participate, traveling with children in school and while trying to hold down a full-time job is not the easiest thing. Plus, I'm pretty sure none of the packages include the travel itself, which for a family of 4, is often enough to prohibit an entire vacation, even if it were free.

The retail opportunity had some good products, but I personally wouldn't use most of them. As an example, they have a great laundry detergent, eco-friendly, for a great price. But I use soap nuts. They have cleaners, but I use baking soda & vinegar. You see what I mean? Hair care products, cosmetics, pet products, the list goes on and on, but I think I may just be too frugal to be a salesperson. And I can't even begin to try to sell things that I don't really use. Which brings me to the second problem.

2) I am not a sales person. When I was in 2nd grade, I had to sell tickets to a pancake supper we were doing for a fundraiser. I was sure people would buy tickets from me, because it was cheap, no one wants to say no to a kid, and who doesn't like pancakes? So off I went (still a little nervous) to our nextdoor neighbor, timidly knocked on the door, and asked if they would like to buy tickets. They told me no, because they were going to be out of town that weekend. I ran home and that was the end of pancake supper ticket sales. I sold some girl scout cookies a few years later, but those pretty much sell themselves, and even then, I hated every minute of it.

So today, I'm going to call the people I've been talking to and let them know I won't be pursuing this opportunity. One won't be so bad; they just brought me to a meeting they were going to anyway, and stressed that it was fine if I didn't want to do it. The other friend I feel bad about because I've actually spent a fair amount of time meeting with him and his business associate. I feel like I've wasted their time and I feel bad about it. But, it will only get worse if I don't put a stop to it. I'd love to have another income, but this will not be it.

You know what I think? I think there's never a perfect time to implement a life-changing decision. There will never be enough time or enough money, the kids won't be the perfect age or in the perfect stage of school.

If you wait for the perfect time, then you'll never get to do anything.

So now, when I have no job offer, am currently working a job that is 2.5 months behind on paying me, am literally living off of my credit cards, have kids who are happy in school and right in the middle of the school year...

...I'm going to move to Oregon. I'm not saying I'm packing up the moving truck tomorrow. I do have a job *prospect* (which means I interviewed with a company who loves me and wants to hire me, but is having to delay hiring for a currently unknown amount of time). I may have to go myself, first. The kids may not get enrolled in the school we want them in (here if we move to Eugene, or here if we move to Portland) right away. We may even move while I don't have a job (which, my whole life, has qualified up there in the top ten list of Scariest Things In The World).

I will not spend another summer in the desert.
I will not spend another October sweating in summer temperatures when I should be thinking about fall and soup and warm crockpotty things
I will not spend another Christmas feeling like I don't want to cook because it's too hot.
I will be somewhere that is green and beautiful and supports nature.
I will be somewhere where I don't get cabin fever in the summer time.
I will be somewhere where I can garden without having to fight the very environment I'm trying to grow things in.
I will be within somewhat reasonable driving distance of my best friend.
I will be somewhere where I can feel happy, where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel at home, where I feel that feeling of a weight being lifted off of me that I always feel when I'm in the forest.

By next summer, I will be living in Oregon.

Today was frustrating. Jim's brother is in town from Seattle, and he wanted to spend some time with the boys while he's here. This is the first time I've seen him show that much interest in them. I don't mean this in a negative way, I just think that he's a little bit intimidated by younger kids. Now the boys are old enough to play with. The original plan was to take them to Sunsplash. He & Jim bought tickets online, but when they got there, they found that it was closed except on weekends (presumably because most kids have started school already, although my boys don't start until next week. Thank God, it's barely August, for Pete's sake! But I digress...). So they took the boys to the free Tempe splash area for about an hour, then dropped by the house to change clothes and head out to Bahama Buck's. Afterwards, they headed out to go bowling. The original plan was to go a little later in the day (on another day) and I would go along, too. I was even strongly considering cutting out of work a little early this time, but probably half an hour before I would have left, I got The Email.

The Email asked me and some other to submit our MRs (basically software bug fixes) to be built later today for our client. Which would have been find except, well, I still have more work to do and I kinda sorta forgot. Maybe forgot isn't the exact word. I've been trying to work on two projects at once, and I just don't seem to multitask at work as well as I used to. I don't know if it's me, or that the work I'm doing doesn't lend itself as well to task switching, but the end result was that I didn't get it done. I had done the work initially, but then found some problems in test and hadn't gone back and fixed them.

So I talked to my manager about it (he was cool) and we agreed that I'd finish up today, tomorrow at the latest. And I delved into it and found that I have no freaking clue how this software has ever worked. I'm seeing problems way beyond the code I changed and now I've got to backtrack who knows how far back to find out what the problem is.

So I decided I'd work on it after dinner, and off I went to make baked chicken & bacon/rosemary risotto. Since one of our guests tonight (did I mention we were having people over? Yeah, we were. And I had taken food out of the freezer that we would never eat before we go camping this weekend, so I didn't want to just get takeout and waste the food) has diabetes, I decided to use brown arborio to make the risotto. I knew it would take longer, but holy hell, I had no idea how long. I think I started cutting the veggies at 5:15, had everything in the pot around 5:45 (this took a while because I had forgotten to thaw the bacon...yeah, you can see how this is going). That risotto wasn't done until 7:30. Yep, that's right. An hour and 45 minutes spent standing over the hot stove, stirring, knowing that everyone is starving and my kids are cranky because they've been out and about and over-sugared today.

On the up side, the risotto *was* good. The chicken was...ok. I don't know what my deal is with chicken, but it usually seems to come out either bland, dry, or both. This time it wasn't dry, but it *was* bland, in spite of the seasonings I had smothered it in . Oh, well, at least there was risotto. And bacon. The kids were practically falling asleep at the table, but didn't want to give up on eating. I had to make them leave, which was yet another fiasco (particularly with Nathan). I knew he was just overtired so I tried to ignore his wails, but boy, was it hard. When he gets like that, he just can't stop and I know this about him, but it's so hard to listen to. I left in his bed sobbing quietly (but on a good note on my part, with lots of love and hugs and understanding). Good parenting moment for me (for once), but still a sucky experience.

Then we sat down to watch Gran Turino. I had already seen it at my dad's house, and I was glad, because that meant I could doze in and out of the movie and still know what was going on. That's exactly what I did.

I hope tomorrow goes smoother with the software bug finding, and with the kids at meal and bed time.

Have you ever met someone who, from the very start, you just really connected with?

That's how it was with my husband. When we met, he lived in Arizona and I in Texas, but we were on vacation in Colorado. We hardly spoke...a mutual friend (who I also met quite by accident there) introduced us. I thought he was cute, I guess he liked my smile, but I was shy and he was involved with someone else and it didn't go any farther than that.

A few months later he tracked down my phone number and called me. My dad answered the phone, but I *knew* it was him. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe he had actually called. We talked for a bit, but then we mostly wrote letters. Long distance wasn't cheap and we were both students, so lengthy phone calls weren't an option. We "dated" via snail mail...got to know each other and as crazy as it sounded, I felt myself falling in love with the man behind the paper. A few months later we met in person for the first time. I worried that the chemistry wouldn't be there, or that he would think I was ugly, or something. But when he showed up at the door, it was like that final piece of the puzzle fell into place. A couple of months later we met again, and got engaged. And the rest is history.

Now, I have met friends in just as unlikely of a manner, and feel just as strong of a bond with them (although not in a romantic sense). I wrote before about my World of Warcraft friend. They visited in March, and the visit went fabulously. Everyone got along beautifully, better than I could have ever expected. I wondered what Henry would think about this weird group of gamers, or if he and Jim would get along. I wondered if their son, Matt, would think we were a boring group of dorks. As it turned out, I think we bonded really closely in a really short period of time. It just felt so easy with them, like we had all known each other forever. No pretenses, no awkward moments, no feeling of having to hold back or worry if someone was going to offend anyone. No feeling of "this has been nice, but I'll be ready to have the house back to ourselves when they leave". No "well I love her, but her husband is a little off". I truly love the whole family with all my heart and feel completely at ease with all of them, and I think we were all sad when it was time for them to go. I knew the week would fly by, but I had no idea the emptiness I would feel after they were gone. I hadn't felt like this since Jim and I were dating long distance and had to be apart. I spent hours mooning over the pictures of our trip and reminiscing. What the heck was wrong with me?

I talked to Dawn about it, and she felt the same way, too. *Whew*, at least I'm not the only crazy one! I wanted for us all to go out and visit them during the summer, but my job has been too sketchy for me to commit the finances. However Dawn couldn't stand it and offered to fly me out. I felt bad after they had just paid to come down here, but then I thought that if the tables were switched, I'd do the exact same thing. How could I refuse? So I just got back from spending a fabulous week with them. As I told Dawn, just when I thought I couldn't feel any closer to them, I do. They treated me like royalty and while the camping and sightseeing were absolutely spectacular, I have to say that the very best part of all, by far, was spending time with them. I feel kind of crazy saying it, but it just feels like we were meant to be together. I feel guilty that I can't say that about my friends here, some of whom I've known for 15 or 20 years. I didn't even realize it, but Dawn and Henry (and Jim) are the only people who I don't feel like I have to hold anything back from. They accept me completely for who I am, and don't judge me when my opinions differ from theirs. I can only hope that I've conveyed the same sort of feeling to them, because that's exactly how I feel. I love them with all my heart and feel like something is missing when I'm away from them. As much as I love and missed Jim and the boys, leaving their house to come home was truly one of the hardest things I've ever done. And here I am, yet again, mooning over pictures from our visit, reveling in the wonderful memories.

So now I'm trying very hard to plan a visit to their house (for the whole family) at Christmas time. My job is still up in the air so finances are still an issue. But I really, really want to make it work (and am probably willing to be more risky about it than Jim is, and than I normally would be for anything else). That's how much they mean to me. Aside from Jim, Dawn is my best friend in the world. I certainly didn't mean to become best friends with people who live 1500 miles away, in another country, even. But just as I felt when Jim had our long distance relationship, I wouldn't do it any differently. I'd like to be closer and hope to make that happen some day, but until then our friendship will remain strong from right where we are.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. Our finances are kind of crap, so we didn't get gifts for each other. Ok, we are weird about gifts, anyway. Usually we kind of pick out our own gifts. We're so laid back about this sort of thing. We're also both techi-geek types and are very particular about what we want. I know that I won't pick out the right thing for my husband, and he knows the same about me. I think the closest he came to buying a gift for our anniversary one year was to tell me "I know you want a GPS, so tell me which one you want". I ended up finding some screaming deals (and I do mean screaming...to the tune of over $100) and ordering it myself. But it still felt like a gift to me, like I had permission to buy it. Permission is probably the wrong word. We don't withhold money from each other. We just discuss purchases and whether we think we can afford them. I probably hold a little bit more of the decision making power because I do the books and I have the primary income. Not having the primary income gives me more "rights" over our money, I just have a better idea of what's coming in is all. Maybe power isn't the right word. More like responsibility.

Anyway, to my husband's credit, he wanted to get me either an MP3 player, an upgraded GPS, or a digital SLR camera this year, all of which are things that I really want (GPS is last on my list just because what I have is a perfectly good one. There are newer ones with more bells and whistles with respect to geocaching, but the one I have now is perfectly good and was even considered top of the line when I bought it 3 years ago). In fact, his plan was to hold back some of his checks from his freelance work (which he usually doesn't do) and buy one of these things for me. But finances are weird right now (long story), so that didn't happen.

What we *did* do was go out for a date night. We don't do this often enough. Not because we don't want to, and not because we're afraid to leave the kids. It's because we are horrible planners. If it weren't for a standing invitation every Tuesday night for a particular couple to come over, and for seeing people through the kids' school activities, I wonder if we would ever see anyone. We have people who will babysit, for free even, but it doesn't work to say "can we drop the kids off, like, now? Because we just decided we want to go out. So can we rearrange your entire evening for you? Thanks."

Anyway, my mother-in-law offered to have the kids over for a sleepover for our anniversary. So I left work a little early and we dropped them off in time to catch an early movie. I knew if we waited until later, I'd fall asleep during the movie. You see, I can't watch any form of screen in the complete dark because I will get sleepy. The contrast of the bright screen with the surrounding darkness makes me feel a bit squinty, and it never quite goes away. The more tired I am, the more likely that squint will turn into closed eyelids. And I'm not a late night person to begin with. If you spend much time with me at evening gatherings, you will eventually find me sacked out in a chair in the corner.

Being the big kids that we are, we saw the movie "UP" in 3D. It was cute, well done, and even a little bit romantic in parts. And sad in parts (I actually cried at one part; I'm such a sap). Then we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I didn't have any "adult beverages" or dessert. I just wasn't in the mood. I did splurge on an iced tea, something I haven't been doing lately, because it is so overpriced for what you get ($3.50 for a few glasses of tea? Seriously.). But I *was* in the mood for the tea, so that's what I got. I also had lamb chops with cabernet sauce (mmmmmmm), a loaded baked potato, and seasonal veggies. Well, I was supposed to have the seasonal veggies with my meal, but they never brought them. I forgot about them until I was leaving the restaurant, stuffed, and realizing that I probably wouldn't reheat them if I brought them home, anyway. Anyway, my meal was delicious.

Jim had a ribeye steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and a baked potato (yes, double potatoes). His was all delicious, too.

Afterwards, we came home and watched the final episode of Legend of the Seeker that was on the DVR. And then we went to bed, just like the old married couple that we are. It was a wonderful evening. :)

Sad...that I didn't get to be at home for my kids' early childhood, and that I don't get to be home for their summers. Yes, I work from home, but I'm holed away in my office where I really don't get to see them.

Tired...of the hot, dusty summers. I hate the heat, especially when there is SEVEN MONTHS of it, and I hate dust. I really do hate it here.

Depressed...that my job is so uncertain, but even more important and frightening, that I can't seem to get motivated to look for another job.

What I really want: to be a stay at home mom. To volunteer at my kids' school, or homeschool my kids (in a very interactive, make sure they are involved in activities with other kids sort of way, not a reclusive sort of way). To grow our own food. To be nearer my parents. To be somewhere cooler and more green. Some of these things are mutually exclusive, I know, but I can't even seem to get one thing right at this point.

I feel so beaten down right now, I don't even know how to move. I know I'm the one who has to change my life, but I don't know how. I don't know what to do.