Homegrown Texan

Lots of things have happened since I last posted.  My life has turned upside down in so many ways.  Mostly good, all good, I guess.  Some a bit difficult, but in a way I welcome that.  If it were easy, it probably wouldn't be all that much worth having.  I'd rather have beautiful, wonderful things that bring meaning to my life, even if it means some amount of pain or difficulty to get there.

I finally achieved my dream of moving to the Pacific Northwest!  Eugene, OR to be exact.  Which is pretty fucking awesome, because that's *exactly* where I had decided I wanted to be.  It wasn't easy, and I'm still not all the way here (meaning my husband and kids are still back in Phoenix getting the house ready...boooo).  I'm living in a small apartment with whatever I could drive up in my small Corolla.  Enjoying work, which is a damn good feeling, since I spent the last two years of my career in a professional coma.  I hated that, hated how lousy it made me feel about myself, my work ethic, my integrity, my value.  All of it.  So. damn. glad. to be done with that.  I loved working at home, but now I love being in an office again.  You know, with real coworkers to interact with.  Of course it helps that I don't have anywhere near the kind of commute I would have had in Phoenix.  I detest wasting time in an idling car, detest it even more when it's hot outside, so I think I would have been a lot less excited about it back there.

I'm also making some awesome friends, much moreso than I would have ever expected.  Which is really cool, because it just supports this feeling, this "knowing" I'm carrying around with me that this is where my soul belongs.  I think I wandered around here in a daze for about the first 2 weeks, waiting for the vacation to end and to have to go back home.  Now it has finally clicked that this *is* home.  I was worried I wouldn't feel that way about it because I moved here not knowing hardly anyone.  But it really does feel that way.  I can't imagine going anywhere else, and I hope to god I never have to.  Not going to dwell on that, though...I'm a worrier by nature as it is and do not need to torture myself by finding things to worry about.  Right now I'm just living in the moment.  I don't mean that in a frivolous way.  But one thing I've learned is that I used to spend so much time worrying about what was going to happen in the future, or missing what was already in the past, that I forgot to enjoy the present.  WTF?  That makes no sense, whatsoever.

Anyway, now I finally feel that my spirit can relax and start to grow again.  I've been thinking lately about "meaning of life" type stuff...finding my purpose and all that.  I don't believe in predestination and I don't believe what I'm supposed to be doing fits in some nice, neat box.  But I need to give some attention to that.  It's something I've been neglecting because I've been so beaten down with work stress and depression.  Now I'm finally feeling like I have the spiritual capacity to be able to focus on that.  I need to draw from the beautiful nature around me and get that power from it that I know I can.  I moved here to feed my spirit and my soul.  And I can't wait to do it.

You know what I think? I think there's never a perfect time to implement a life-changing decision. There will never be enough time or enough money, the kids won't be the perfect age or in the perfect stage of school.

If you wait for the perfect time, then you'll never get to do anything.

So now, when I have no job offer, am currently working a job that is 2.5 months behind on paying me, am literally living off of my credit cards, have kids who are happy in school and right in the middle of the school year...

...I'm going to move to Oregon. I'm not saying I'm packing up the moving truck tomorrow. I do have a job *prospect* (which means I interviewed with a company who loves me and wants to hire me, but is having to delay hiring for a currently unknown amount of time). I may have to go myself, first. The kids may not get enrolled in the school we want them in (here if we move to Eugene, or here if we move to Portland) right away. We may even move while I don't have a job (which, my whole life, has qualified up there in the top ten list of Scariest Things In The World).

I will not spend another summer in the desert.
I will not spend another October sweating in summer temperatures when I should be thinking about fall and soup and warm crockpotty things
I will not spend another Christmas feeling like I don't want to cook because it's too hot.
I will be somewhere that is green and beautiful and supports nature.
I will be somewhere where I don't get cabin fever in the summer time.
I will be somewhere where I can garden without having to fight the very environment I'm trying to grow things in.
I will be within somewhat reasonable driving distance of my best friend.
I will be somewhere where I can feel happy, where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel at home, where I feel that feeling of a weight being lifted off of me that I always feel when I'm in the forest.

By next summer, I will be living in Oregon.