Homegrown Texan

Born and raised in Texas, I've found the home of my heart and soul in the Pacific Northwest. I love trees, cool weather, and rain. I'm a back to basics kind of gal just trying to raise my family and find a bit of time to slow down in this hectic life.

I know I said I'd make "thankfulness" posts.  Then I went to Canada.  It was a trip that I thoroughly enjoyed and needed, and that I am truly very thankful for.  As always, I felt like Dawn, Henry & Matt were my family (even moreso than some of my real family).  And, as always, I didn't want it to end.  However, strangely, it didn't hit me as hard as it usually does.  I think because I know we'll see each other regularly.  Our friendship is just too strong for anything else.

What I wasn't prepared for was how depression would slam into me when I got back.  And it isn't just the "my vacation is over and now I have to face the yucky real world" post-vacation blues that I usually get.  This is full out, I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself depression.  I *need* to find a job.  And I have no idea if I can.  During a good moment I feel like it's a numbers game...like I have to go through some magic number of grueling job applications and even more grueling job interviews (engineering interviews last a minimum of 4 hours...most of them last all day) just to win the numbers.  It sort of feels like being told you have to support your family by winning the lottery, so I just keep buying tickets and hope I get the right one before I run out of ticket money (where "ticket money" is both mental & emotional energy, as well as actual money, which I'm running out of).  That's on a good day.  On a bad day like today it feels like God (if I believed in God) is an abusive stepparent, and me finding a job is like me asking to go out with my friends to the movies.  My stepparent makes me go through all the motions of doing all of the chores, getting perfect grades, behaving perfectly, and then maybe, just *maybe* if stepparent hasn't been drinking or hasn't had a bad day, he'll let me go out.

Or...maybe he won't.  The point being that I feel like even my best may not be enough.  And I have no way of knowing.  I'm just supposed to keep doing it.


I love you Lisa, if there ever was a "soulmate" in friendship then I've found it in you and your family feels like an extension of my own. We are similar in the ways we need to be and different in the areas that we can truly learn from each other in.Things will change, you WILL find a job and things will get back on track, I know this as well as I know you will be late cuz it starts to rain and you left clothes out on the drying rack LOL You are reliable, intelligent, kooky and amazing.

Don't let this period of time get you too far down, around the corner is all the things ur dreams are made of.

Keep the faith !

Love Dawn ( AKA. Canuck Gnome)

Thank you...your words help more than you can possibly know. I am feeling better now...still scared and worried, but not sucked down into a pit like I felt before.

And you are right about the clothes...I did it again, today. This time I didn't have to be anywhere, though. I'm going to have to come up with a new game plan when I move to rainy country. :)

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