Homegrown Texan

Lots of things have happened since I last posted.  My life has turned upside down in so many ways.  Mostly good, all good, I guess.  Some a bit difficult, but in a way I welcome that.  If it were easy, it probably wouldn't be all that much worth having.  I'd rather have beautiful, wonderful things that bring meaning to my life, even if it means some amount of pain or difficulty to get there.

I finally achieved my dream of moving to the Pacific Northwest!  Eugene, OR to be exact.  Which is pretty fucking awesome, because that's *exactly* where I had decided I wanted to be.  It wasn't easy, and I'm still not all the way here (meaning my husband and kids are still back in Phoenix getting the house ready...boooo).  I'm living in a small apartment with whatever I could drive up in my small Corolla.  Enjoying work, which is a damn good feeling, since I spent the last two years of my career in a professional coma.  I hated that, hated how lousy it made me feel about myself, my work ethic, my integrity, my value.  All of it.  So. damn. glad. to be done with that.  I loved working at home, but now I love being in an office again.  You know, with real coworkers to interact with.  Of course it helps that I don't have anywhere near the kind of commute I would have had in Phoenix.  I detest wasting time in an idling car, detest it even more when it's hot outside, so I think I would have been a lot less excited about it back there.

I'm also making some awesome friends, much moreso than I would have ever expected.  Which is really cool, because it just supports this feeling, this "knowing" I'm carrying around with me that this is where my soul belongs.  I think I wandered around here in a daze for about the first 2 weeks, waiting for the vacation to end and to have to go back home.  Now it has finally clicked that this *is* home.  I was worried I wouldn't feel that way about it because I moved here not knowing hardly anyone.  But it really does feel that way.  I can't imagine going anywhere else, and I hope to god I never have to.  Not going to dwell on that, though...I'm a worrier by nature as it is and do not need to torture myself by finding things to worry about.  Right now I'm just living in the moment.  I don't mean that in a frivolous way.  But one thing I've learned is that I used to spend so much time worrying about what was going to happen in the future, or missing what was already in the past, that I forgot to enjoy the present.  WTF?  That makes no sense, whatsoever.

Anyway, now I finally feel that my spirit can relax and start to grow again.  I've been thinking lately about "meaning of life" type stuff...finding my purpose and all that.  I don't believe in predestination and I don't believe what I'm supposed to be doing fits in some nice, neat box.  But I need to give some attention to that.  It's something I've been neglecting because I've been so beaten down with work stress and depression.  Now I'm finally feeling like I have the spiritual capacity to be able to focus on that.  I need to draw from the beautiful nature around me and get that power from it that I know I can.  I moved here to feed my spirit and my soul.  And I can't wait to do it.

I know I said I'd make "thankfulness" posts.  Then I went to Canada.  It was a trip that I thoroughly enjoyed and needed, and that I am truly very thankful for.  As always, I felt like Dawn, Henry & Matt were my family (even moreso than some of my real family).  And, as always, I didn't want it to end.  However, strangely, it didn't hit me as hard as it usually does.  I think because I know we'll see each other regularly.  Our friendship is just too strong for anything else.

What I wasn't prepared for was how depression would slam into me when I got back.  And it isn't just the "my vacation is over and now I have to face the yucky real world" post-vacation blues that I usually get.  This is full out, I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself depression.  I *need* to find a job.  And I have no idea if I can.  During a good moment I feel like it's a numbers game...like I have to go through some magic number of grueling job applications and even more grueling job interviews (engineering interviews last a minimum of 4 hours...most of them last all day) just to win the numbers.  It sort of feels like being told you have to support your family by winning the lottery, so I just keep buying tickets and hope I get the right one before I run out of ticket money (where "ticket money" is both mental & emotional energy, as well as actual money, which I'm running out of).  That's on a good day.  On a bad day like today it feels like God (if I believed in God) is an abusive stepparent, and me finding a job is like me asking to go out with my friends to the movies.  My stepparent makes me go through all the motions of doing all of the chores, getting perfect grades, behaving perfectly, and then maybe, just *maybe* if stepparent hasn't been drinking or hasn't had a bad day, he'll let me go out.

Or...maybe he won't.  The point being that I feel like even my best may not be enough.  And I have no way of knowing.  I'm just supposed to keep doing it.

I am thankful for my youngest son.  For one, his health, as he was born premature and not so healthy.  However, asside from his small size, you wouldn't know it now.  But I also love what a joyous spirit he has, and how amusingly literal he can be.  And I love how sometimes very complex-beyond-his-years thoughts sometimes tumble out of his mouth, and then he goes back to being his usual silly, goofy self.  I love my little son with all my heart.

I am thankful for my husband, who stands behind my decisions and is *always* ok with me taking some time to myself. I know I deserve the time, but he supports me much more than I ever hoped for.  And with the stress that we are going through with my work (or lack thereof), I'm particularly thankful that we've managed to come together on it, rather than let it wedge us apart.  I'm still scared shitless, but at least I'm not facing my fear alone.

Many of my facebook friends are writing daily statements of gratitude on facebook.  I prefer to take a more anonymous face (even though some people I know personally read this blog, it still overall feels more anonymous), plus sometimes I'd like to write more than I would on a facebook status update.  I've been feeling in a funk lately...worried about my job situation, depressed about being stuck in Arizona, and missing my family.  While I feel like I'm justified in having these feelings, I also know that the negative thoughts are becoming too prevalent, and that is not healthy.  Not only that, I am one who believes that negativity, even just in thought, can actually work against a person.  I sometimes have trouble shutting off my thoughts and feelings, but I think replacing them will work better than simply trying to remove them.

So my goal is to write something I'm thankful about every day, starting with today up until and including Thanksgiving day.

I am thankful for my oldest son's sweet soul.  Sometimes it causes him pain, because he tries so hard to do nice things for people, but he doesn't yet understand the art of taking into consideration what other people actually want.  Case in point: today he got up and made pancakes for the family.  Since the kids are out of school, my husband and I wanted to sleep in.  My younger son doesn't really care that much for pancakes, plus he wanted to use his newfound cooking skills to make himself a bowl of oatmeal.  And I was up nearly-but-not-quite puking half the night, so I just wasn't up for food yet (I may venture out and have a cup of herbal tea in a bit).  So pancake-boy's feelings were hurt.  I feel bad for him and hope that he doesn't learn to just shut that part of himself off.  I really don't think he will...it's an integral part of him that has shown itself from a very young age.  People tell me all the time how it shows what great parents he has and while my ego would like to agree, if I am honest with myself I know that this is really just who he is.  Yes, we can (and try to) do our part to nurture it, but this really is just part of the beautiful person that my son is.  And it's one of the many things I love him for.

I'd really like to rip my female parts out right now, since they feel like that's what's being done to them, anyway.

*puts "hysterectomy" at the top of her Christmas wish list*

Do you ever find yourself going down a particular track in life, and suddenly wake up and wonder what the hell it is you're doing?

I just had that happen to me. You see, twice within 2 weeks I had 2 separate friends (who don't know each other) approach me with a business opportunity. They were different opportunities (one is specifically travel related, the other is retail product related), but both are essentially MLMs (one claims not to be, and maybe by some technicality they are not, but the idea is very similar).

Now I don't think either of these are scams. I think they have some good products to offer and I do think the structures are set up such that the potential for making some money with them is there. Especially if you are not looking at it as a "get rich quick" scheme (which I'm not, and they weren't claiming to be). However, for me, there are a couple of problems:

1) I wouldn't use a lot of the products that are offered. The travel one offers some really cool vacations at awesome prices, and while I'd love to participate, traveling with children in school and while trying to hold down a full-time job is not the easiest thing. Plus, I'm pretty sure none of the packages include the travel itself, which for a family of 4, is often enough to prohibit an entire vacation, even if it were free.

The retail opportunity had some good products, but I personally wouldn't use most of them. As an example, they have a great laundry detergent, eco-friendly, for a great price. But I use soap nuts. They have cleaners, but I use baking soda & vinegar. You see what I mean? Hair care products, cosmetics, pet products, the list goes on and on, but I think I may just be too frugal to be a salesperson. And I can't even begin to try to sell things that I don't really use. Which brings me to the second problem.

2) I am not a sales person. When I was in 2nd grade, I had to sell tickets to a pancake supper we were doing for a fundraiser. I was sure people would buy tickets from me, because it was cheap, no one wants to say no to a kid, and who doesn't like pancakes? So off I went (still a little nervous) to our nextdoor neighbor, timidly knocked on the door, and asked if they would like to buy tickets. They told me no, because they were going to be out of town that weekend. I ran home and that was the end of pancake supper ticket sales. I sold some girl scout cookies a few years later, but those pretty much sell themselves, and even then, I hated every minute of it.

So today, I'm going to call the people I've been talking to and let them know I won't be pursuing this opportunity. One won't be so bad; they just brought me to a meeting they were going to anyway, and stressed that it was fine if I didn't want to do it. The other friend I feel bad about because I've actually spent a fair amount of time meeting with him and his business associate. I feel like I've wasted their time and I feel bad about it. But, it will only get worse if I don't put a stop to it. I'd love to have another income, but this will not be it.

You know what I think? I think there's never a perfect time to implement a life-changing decision. There will never be enough time or enough money, the kids won't be the perfect age or in the perfect stage of school.

If you wait for the perfect time, then you'll never get to do anything.

So now, when I have no job offer, am currently working a job that is 2.5 months behind on paying me, am literally living off of my credit cards, have kids who are happy in school and right in the middle of the school year...

...I'm going to move to Oregon. I'm not saying I'm packing up the moving truck tomorrow. I do have a job *prospect* (which means I interviewed with a company who loves me and wants to hire me, but is having to delay hiring for a currently unknown amount of time). I may have to go myself, first. The kids may not get enrolled in the school we want them in (here if we move to Eugene, or here if we move to Portland) right away. We may even move while I don't have a job (which, my whole life, has qualified up there in the top ten list of Scariest Things In The World).

I will not spend another summer in the desert.
I will not spend another October sweating in summer temperatures when I should be thinking about fall and soup and warm crockpotty things
I will not spend another Christmas feeling like I don't want to cook because it's too hot.
I will be somewhere that is green and beautiful and supports nature.
I will be somewhere where I don't get cabin fever in the summer time.
I will be somewhere where I can garden without having to fight the very environment I'm trying to grow things in.
I will be within somewhat reasonable driving distance of my best friend.
I will be somewhere where I can feel happy, where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel at home, where I feel that feeling of a weight being lifted off of me that I always feel when I'm in the forest.

By next summer, I will be living in Oregon.

Today was frustrating. Jim's brother is in town from Seattle, and he wanted to spend some time with the boys while he's here. This is the first time I've seen him show that much interest in them. I don't mean this in a negative way, I just think that he's a little bit intimidated by younger kids. Now the boys are old enough to play with. The original plan was to take them to Sunsplash. He & Jim bought tickets online, but when they got there, they found that it was closed except on weekends (presumably because most kids have started school already, although my boys don't start until next week. Thank God, it's barely August, for Pete's sake! But I digress...). So they took the boys to the free Tempe splash area for about an hour, then dropped by the house to change clothes and head out to Bahama Buck's. Afterwards, they headed out to go bowling. The original plan was to go a little later in the day (on another day) and I would go along, too. I was even strongly considering cutting out of work a little early this time, but probably half an hour before I would have left, I got The Email.

The Email asked me and some other to submit our MRs (basically software bug fixes) to be built later today for our client. Which would have been find except, well, I still have more work to do and I kinda sorta forgot. Maybe forgot isn't the exact word. I've been trying to work on two projects at once, and I just don't seem to multitask at work as well as I used to. I don't know if it's me, or that the work I'm doing doesn't lend itself as well to task switching, but the end result was that I didn't get it done. I had done the work initially, but then found some problems in test and hadn't gone back and fixed them.

So I talked to my manager about it (he was cool) and we agreed that I'd finish up today, tomorrow at the latest. And I delved into it and found that I have no freaking clue how this software has ever worked. I'm seeing problems way beyond the code I changed and now I've got to backtrack who knows how far back to find out what the problem is.

So I decided I'd work on it after dinner, and off I went to make baked chicken & bacon/rosemary risotto. Since one of our guests tonight (did I mention we were having people over? Yeah, we were. And I had taken food out of the freezer that we would never eat before we go camping this weekend, so I didn't want to just get takeout and waste the food) has diabetes, I decided to use brown arborio to make the risotto. I knew it would take longer, but holy hell, I had no idea how long. I think I started cutting the veggies at 5:15, had everything in the pot around 5:45 (this took a while because I had forgotten to thaw the bacon...yeah, you can see how this is going). That risotto wasn't done until 7:30. Yep, that's right. An hour and 45 minutes spent standing over the hot stove, stirring, knowing that everyone is starving and my kids are cranky because they've been out and about and over-sugared today.

On the up side, the risotto *was* good. The chicken was...ok. I don't know what my deal is with chicken, but it usually seems to come out either bland, dry, or both. This time it wasn't dry, but it *was* bland, in spite of the seasonings I had smothered it in . Oh, well, at least there was risotto. And bacon. The kids were practically falling asleep at the table, but didn't want to give up on eating. I had to make them leave, which was yet another fiasco (particularly with Nathan). I knew he was just overtired so I tried to ignore his wails, but boy, was it hard. When he gets like that, he just can't stop and I know this about him, but it's so hard to listen to. I left in his bed sobbing quietly (but on a good note on my part, with lots of love and hugs and understanding). Good parenting moment for me (for once), but still a sucky experience.

Then we sat down to watch Gran Turino. I had already seen it at my dad's house, and I was glad, because that meant I could doze in and out of the movie and still know what was going on. That's exactly what I did.

I hope tomorrow goes smoother with the software bug finding, and with the kids at meal and bed time.

Have you ever met someone who, from the very start, you just really connected with?

That's how it was with my husband. When we met, he lived in Arizona and I in Texas, but we were on vacation in Colorado. We hardly spoke...a mutual friend (who I also met quite by accident there) introduced us. I thought he was cute, I guess he liked my smile, but I was shy and he was involved with someone else and it didn't go any farther than that.

A few months later he tracked down my phone number and called me. My dad answered the phone, but I *knew* it was him. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe he had actually called. We talked for a bit, but then we mostly wrote letters. Long distance wasn't cheap and we were both students, so lengthy phone calls weren't an option. We "dated" via snail mail...got to know each other and as crazy as it sounded, I felt myself falling in love with the man behind the paper. A few months later we met in person for the first time. I worried that the chemistry wouldn't be there, or that he would think I was ugly, or something. But when he showed up at the door, it was like that final piece of the puzzle fell into place. A couple of months later we met again, and got engaged. And the rest is history.

Now, I have met friends in just as unlikely of a manner, and feel just as strong of a bond with them (although not in a romantic sense). I wrote before about my World of Warcraft friend. They visited in March, and the visit went fabulously. Everyone got along beautifully, better than I could have ever expected. I wondered what Henry would think about this weird group of gamers, or if he and Jim would get along. I wondered if their son, Matt, would think we were a boring group of dorks. As it turned out, I think we bonded really closely in a really short period of time. It just felt so easy with them, like we had all known each other forever. No pretenses, no awkward moments, no feeling of having to hold back or worry if someone was going to offend anyone. No feeling of "this has been nice, but I'll be ready to have the house back to ourselves when they leave". No "well I love her, but her husband is a little off". I truly love the whole family with all my heart and feel completely at ease with all of them, and I think we were all sad when it was time for them to go. I knew the week would fly by, but I had no idea the emptiness I would feel after they were gone. I hadn't felt like this since Jim and I were dating long distance and had to be apart. I spent hours mooning over the pictures of our trip and reminiscing. What the heck was wrong with me?

I talked to Dawn about it, and she felt the same way, too. *Whew*, at least I'm not the only crazy one! I wanted for us all to go out and visit them during the summer, but my job has been too sketchy for me to commit the finances. However Dawn couldn't stand it and offered to fly me out. I felt bad after they had just paid to come down here, but then I thought that if the tables were switched, I'd do the exact same thing. How could I refuse? So I just got back from spending a fabulous week with them. As I told Dawn, just when I thought I couldn't feel any closer to them, I do. They treated me like royalty and while the camping and sightseeing were absolutely spectacular, I have to say that the very best part of all, by far, was spending time with them. I feel kind of crazy saying it, but it just feels like we were meant to be together. I feel guilty that I can't say that about my friends here, some of whom I've known for 15 or 20 years. I didn't even realize it, but Dawn and Henry (and Jim) are the only people who I don't feel like I have to hold anything back from. They accept me completely for who I am, and don't judge me when my opinions differ from theirs. I can only hope that I've conveyed the same sort of feeling to them, because that's exactly how I feel. I love them with all my heart and feel like something is missing when I'm away from them. As much as I love and missed Jim and the boys, leaving their house to come home was truly one of the hardest things I've ever done. And here I am, yet again, mooning over pictures from our visit, reveling in the wonderful memories.

So now I'm trying very hard to plan a visit to their house (for the whole family) at Christmas time. My job is still up in the air so finances are still an issue. But I really, really want to make it work (and am probably willing to be more risky about it than Jim is, and than I normally would be for anything else). That's how much they mean to me. Aside from Jim, Dawn is my best friend in the world. I certainly didn't mean to become best friends with people who live 1500 miles away, in another country, even. But just as I felt when Jim had our long distance relationship, I wouldn't do it any differently. I'd like to be closer and hope to make that happen some day, but until then our friendship will remain strong from right where we are.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. Our finances are kind of crap, so we didn't get gifts for each other. Ok, we are weird about gifts, anyway. Usually we kind of pick out our own gifts. We're so laid back about this sort of thing. We're also both techi-geek types and are very particular about what we want. I know that I won't pick out the right thing for my husband, and he knows the same about me. I think the closest he came to buying a gift for our anniversary one year was to tell me "I know you want a GPS, so tell me which one you want". I ended up finding some screaming deals (and I do mean screaming...to the tune of over $100) and ordering it myself. But it still felt like a gift to me, like I had permission to buy it. Permission is probably the wrong word. We don't withhold money from each other. We just discuss purchases and whether we think we can afford them. I probably hold a little bit more of the decision making power because I do the books and I have the primary income. Not having the primary income gives me more "rights" over our money, I just have a better idea of what's coming in is all. Maybe power isn't the right word. More like responsibility.

Anyway, to my husband's credit, he wanted to get me either an MP3 player, an upgraded GPS, or a digital SLR camera this year, all of which are things that I really want (GPS is last on my list just because what I have is a perfectly good one. There are newer ones with more bells and whistles with respect to geocaching, but the one I have now is perfectly good and was even considered top of the line when I bought it 3 years ago). In fact, his plan was to hold back some of his checks from his freelance work (which he usually doesn't do) and buy one of these things for me. But finances are weird right now (long story), so that didn't happen.

What we *did* do was go out for a date night. We don't do this often enough. Not because we don't want to, and not because we're afraid to leave the kids. It's because we are horrible planners. If it weren't for a standing invitation every Tuesday night for a particular couple to come over, and for seeing people through the kids' school activities, I wonder if we would ever see anyone. We have people who will babysit, for free even, but it doesn't work to say "can we drop the kids off, like, now? Because we just decided we want to go out. So can we rearrange your entire evening for you? Thanks."

Anyway, my mother-in-law offered to have the kids over for a sleepover for our anniversary. So I left work a little early and we dropped them off in time to catch an early movie. I knew if we waited until later, I'd fall asleep during the movie. You see, I can't watch any form of screen in the complete dark because I will get sleepy. The contrast of the bright screen with the surrounding darkness makes me feel a bit squinty, and it never quite goes away. The more tired I am, the more likely that squint will turn into closed eyelids. And I'm not a late night person to begin with. If you spend much time with me at evening gatherings, you will eventually find me sacked out in a chair in the corner.

Being the big kids that we are, we saw the movie "UP" in 3D. It was cute, well done, and even a little bit romantic in parts. And sad in parts (I actually cried at one part; I'm such a sap). Then we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I didn't have any "adult beverages" or dessert. I just wasn't in the mood. I did splurge on an iced tea, something I haven't been doing lately, because it is so overpriced for what you get ($3.50 for a few glasses of tea? Seriously.). But I *was* in the mood for the tea, so that's what I got. I also had lamb chops with cabernet sauce (mmmmmmm), a loaded baked potato, and seasonal veggies. Well, I was supposed to have the seasonal veggies with my meal, but they never brought them. I forgot about them until I was leaving the restaurant, stuffed, and realizing that I probably wouldn't reheat them if I brought them home, anyway. Anyway, my meal was delicious.

Jim had a ribeye steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and a baked potato (yes, double potatoes). His was all delicious, too.

Afterwards, we came home and watched the final episode of Legend of the Seeker that was on the DVR. And then we went to bed, just like the old married couple that we are. It was a wonderful evening. :)

Sad...that I didn't get to be at home for my kids' early childhood, and that I don't get to be home for their summers. Yes, I work from home, but I'm holed away in my office where I really don't get to see them.

Tired...of the hot, dusty summers. I hate the heat, especially when there is SEVEN MONTHS of it, and I hate dust. I really do hate it here.

Depressed...that my job is so uncertain, but even more important and frightening, that I can't seem to get motivated to look for another job.

What I really want: to be a stay at home mom. To volunteer at my kids' school, or homeschool my kids (in a very interactive, make sure they are involved in activities with other kids sort of way, not a reclusive sort of way). To grow our own food. To be nearer my parents. To be somewhere cooler and more green. Some of these things are mutually exclusive, I know, but I can't even seem to get one thing right at this point.

I feel so beaten down right now, I don't even know how to move. I know I'm the one who has to change my life, but I don't know how. I don't know what to do.

I love Indian food/curry, but have never known how to make it. Several years ago I spent hours researching recipes, bought all sorts of ingredients I knew nothing about, and slaved away in the kitchen in an attempt to reproduce one of my favorite Indian restaurant dishes: palak paneer. What I came out with was the most bland, tasteless thing on the planet. Being unfamiliar with the spices, I had no idea what to do to correct it. We opted to go out, and that meal has gone down in history as my Worst Meal Ever. Seriously. And I've been afraid to try it again.

Then a few months ago, we invited Leaner to our house for burgers. I asked her to bring a side dish, and she brought a curry with cauliflower, potatoes, and green peas. I've never been much of a cauliflower or green pea fan, but in the interest of being polite, I took a small portion. And oh. my. god. That was the best stuff, ever. I didn't even know I was eating usually-hated vegetables. I seriously could have eaten the whole pot of the stuff. She was gracious enough to give me her recipe, and told me that garam masala is the secret ingredient (and was even nice enough to pick some up for me from the market she buys it at....nice, wasn't she?). I haven't made that exact recipe, in fact I'm embarrassed to admit that the first time I used it was a trashy eats rendition of ramen noodles I threw together for lunch one day (but they were yummy ramen noodles :) ). However today I was trying to figure out a way to use some quinoa I've been wanting to try, and it occured to me to try the curry again. And it was *delicious*.

You'll have to bear with me here because I don't really measure, so all amounts are approximate

Curried Potatoes & Spinach with Quinoa
- Enough cooked quinoa for the number of people you want to serve; about 1/4-1/3 cup dried quinoa per person
- diced potato; about 1 small per person
- chopped fresh spinach (you could probably use frozen); about 1.5 cups per person
- chopped nuts (optional)
- olive oil
- salt
- onion, diced (I used dehydrated minced because my onion turned out to be rotten on the inside) about 1/4 onion per person
- garlic, 1-2 cloves per person (I love garlic), minced
- garam masala
- broth (I used chicken, but you could also use veggie)
- goat cheese or yogurt for topping (optional)

Cook the quinoa, 2 to 1 ration of water to quinoa. Cook it like rice (covered); it will take about 20 minutes once it starts to boil. Be sure and rinse the quinoa thoroughly in a fine sieve before cooking to rinse the natural saponin coating off (the saponin gives it an unpleasant bitter flavor).

Sautee the onions and diced potatoes in olive oil. Cover with a lid to help the potatoes steam a bit. After about 5 minutes, sprinkle about a spoonful per person of garam masala add in the minced garlic, salt to taste, and stir to combine. Add in enough broth to cover the pan. You don't want a real brothy sauce, the broth is just to give the dish a little moisture. Cover.

When the potatoes are almost done (about 10 minutes later) add in the chopped spinach and nuts. Stir to combine and cover to allow the spinach to steam about (about 3 minutes).

Here is what it looked like when I added the spinach in:


Once the spinach is wilted, serve over the quinoa. I've discovered that I love goat cheese combined with curry, so I crumbled some of that on top. Yogurt would also work well, or you can skip them both.

After the spinach has wilted; this is ready to serve:


If you like heat you could add in some diced peppers with the onions, or fresh on top as a garnish.

Here it is plated up. Unfortunately my camera flash tends to wash things out when I take close up shots.

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter patter
goes the rain outside. The open doors allow the cool rain-scented air to permeate the house. I know it is short-lived, that soon we will be back to the punishing, scorching desert heat.

But for now, I enjoy the clouds and the rain.

I'm a bit of a snob about coffee. Perhaps it is because I've always had *good* coffee. When I first started drinking it, I, as usual, was trying to emulate my dad. Of course I only drank it black. That's how my dad drank it and it just wouldn't do to drink "wuss coffee". I thought it tasted vile, but I drank it anyway. And I grew to like it. I loved the smell, the way the warm mug (must be a ceramic/glass mug, never plastic!) felt in my hands, and the way the flavors swirled on my tongue.

When I was 16 or so, I went to work in an office where they had regular ole Folger's coffee. It smelled good and I thought "it can't be that bad". But, oh, let me tell you, it was. It was a small office, just me and the accountant I worked for. He was a very nice man and after saying I was a coffee drinker, I couldn't bring myself to tell him his coffee, well, sucked. But I could hardly stomach it, so I drank it with cream. That tempered the nasty edge the coffee had. I never drank my coffee with sugar. I've tried it, but I just don't like the taste of it.

Now I like my coffee, even my *good* coffee, with cream. Usually at home I just use milk, but occasionally I'll treat myself to cream or half and half. During the work week, I drink it from a sturdy mug. But on the weekends, I like to use a dainty little cup Jim bought for me at a school auction. It makes me feel like I'm treating myself. It's pretty and girly, which is usually not me, but I like it.

Unfortunately, this is an example of why I'm not a photographer...the color washed out a bit too much. Maybe it's also an example of why I need a better camera (or at least one with more adjustments on it).


Don't those beans look gorgeous? I love a good, dark roasted coffee. I also try to find organic coffee, because most conventional coffee is treated with pesticides. I don't really want to drink bug spray with my coffee. That just doesn't sound good, and it can't be healthy.

My friend Dawn recently visited me from Canada. She works in a coffee shop there, and brought me a bag of the coffee that they brew there. She chose one of their darkest roasts, because she knows that I like that. And oh, that stuff is heaven. So now, not only am I a coffee snob, I'm addicted to a local *Canadian* coffee. Thankfully, Dawn was kind enough to order a case of it for me (at wholesale cost!) and send it to me. Not very carbon footprint-friendly, but I couldn't resist. I just *love* this coffee!


It's from Kootenay Coffee Company, in Nelson, B.C. It smells delicious (the postman said he didn't even want to deliver it to me because it made his truck smell so good), and it tastes delicious. And I just love to say the word "Kootenay". Kootenay, Kootenay, Kootenay!

I have a big case of TGIF. I'm feeling very stressed and drained right now, and am really looking forward to vegging this weekend. My biggest goal is to play WoW all day tomorrow. Pretty pathetic, I know, but I need the time to decompress.

Sunday I'll do my usual grocery shopping at the farmer's market & Trader Joe's. I usually go every Sunday morning...I go to the farmer's market first, and then get whatever I couldn't find at TJ's (and Sunflower Market, if I need things from there). I didn't go last week because it was Mother's Day and for my day I chose not to have to go out into the heat. It was nice, but I will be glad to get back into my routine. Our eating this week has been thrown off a bit because of it. Jim went shopping for me on Monday or Tuesday, which was awesome, but there are some things I just need to be able to look at and decide on myself.

Oh, and I'll be doing laundry this weekend, as usual. I've stopped using the dryer to save on money and to try to eek more life out of the old one we have, which means I have to stay on top of the laundry because I'm using a drying rack that only holds one load at a time. So I can't let the laundry pile up and do it all in one day like I used to. But I really don't mind. Jim does the folding, which is the part I really hate. I actually sort of enjoy the quiet time outside when I'm hanging or removing the clothes (as long as I do it early in the morning or late at night, when it's not too hot).

Sunday is my mother-in-law's birthday. We did not go see her for Mother's Day (although Jim did take her to see Star Trek on Monday night). I felt sort of guilty about this, but it was my day too, and I don't really like going over to her house. She smokes, and so the whole house smells like smoke. It gets in my nose and hair and I can always smell it even after I leave until I take a shower again. It irritates my eyes, ears, and throat and I just don't like being over there. Plus she tends to have the TV on a lot, which I dislike. I hate having constant noise on. I'm not anti-TV by any means; I do have shows that I watch. But I don't like having it on all the time.

But I do feel like we should do something for her birthday. I'd actually like to make her dinner, as she has done for us so many times. I'd really rather make it at home, as I don't like cooking in her kitchen (nothing against her kitchen, it's just not mine; plus I'd have to haul everything over, and I'd invariably forget something). I'd like to make some salmon, rosemary risotto, and a salad. I wonder if she'd want to come over for that. She doesn't really like to leave her house any more than I like to leave mine, so it's a toss-up whether that would be at treat for her or not. I will ask Jim and see what he thinks.

Tonight is our weekly game night with the kids. We used to play board games, but we've sort of let it turn into Wii night. I'm not sure how I feel about that. They do enjoy the Wii, and we don't let them play it much at other times because we don't like them to spend a lot of time in front of the TV for entertainment. We prefer that they spend their time in actual play. And they are pretty good about it. But on the other hand, it feels a little bit less like together time when we play the Wii than it did when we played board games. I'm still figuring it out, but for now at least we'll keep it like it is.

Oh, and dinner. I had planned on making chile con queso & beans (something the boys love) for dinner, but we may be going out. The cheese sauce and beans I had portioned away aren't thawed because I forgot to set them out until a couple of hours ago, and I feel kind of brain dead, anyway. I could use some time out. So I guess I'd better get off of here and talk to hubby about dinner.

I've been posting some downers lately, so thought I'd focus on something positive. :)

Yesterday Nathan lost his first tooth! A few days ago he bit into something and cried out in pain. I looked, and his one of his bottom front teeth was quite loose. He's been avoiding chewing with that part of his mouth since then. Then last night he and Michael were eating (we usually eat dinner together, but I was having a bad day and didn't get it together to prepare a meal, so they were eating easy stuff) and I noticed them both hunting around on the floor for something. Turns out his tooth came out while he was eating. He didn't feel it anywhere, he just noticed it was gone. I told him he probably swallowed it (it was a little *tiny* tooth) and he immediately started bawling. I quickly recovered, telling him that if he left a note for the tooth fairy, she could look for it, because she's magic (more on just how magical she is in a minute). So I helped him write a note, he signed his name, and then he wanted me to add a request for what color his gem would be (again, more on that in a minute).

After the boys were in jammies, teeth brushed, and read to, we all congregated in their bedroom for a small ceremony. I turned out all the lights, lit a candle, and read a special poem. You see, in our house, the tooth fairy doesn't leave money. Something as dainty and magical as a fairy just doesn't carry around dollar bills, you know? Instead, she brings a gem:

This night it is a special night
As fairies dance upon the roof.
All the fairies must alight,
For Nathan just lost a tooth!

The Fairy Queen gives her commands-
Twelve bright fairies must join hands
Then together in a circle stands
To guard Nathan while he sleeps.

The Tooth Fairy into the circle leaps
The hidden tooth she takes
Ah, but has far to go
Before Nathan awakes.

Three times around the world she flies
Over valleys deep and mountains high;
Skirts the storm clouds thick with thunder,
Wings over waves all wild with wonder.

Deep within their earthly homes
Finally she finds the gnomes,
Who upon the tooth must work
Never once their duty shirk.

Some are hammering, hammering, hammering,
Some the bellows blow
Others sweat at the sweltering forge
And then cry out, "Heigh Ho!"

The tooth's been turned to a shining stone,
A glimmering, glowing gem
The tooth Fairy takes the gnomes' good gift,
And bows (curtsies) to all of them.
Before the sun's first rays are shown,
She returns to Nathans bed,
And then - - - away she's flown!

Ok, so the thing that I was so devastated about yesterday is that I found out my son's teacher may not be hired back next year. My son goes to a "Waldorf-inspired" charter school, and one of the unique things about this school is that the teacher follows the children for the 1st through 8th grades. 1st grade is kind of a funny year because it is the first year where the children have to, you know, sit down and do stuff (in kindergarten participation is encouraged, but not so forced as long as the child is not being out and out disruptive). So there is always a transition period for the children while they get used to the longer day and the new format. Add to this the fact that this was the teacher's first year teaching, and they had quite a learning curve ahead of them.

The first of the year I think may have been a bit chaotic. I think there were some children that had a hard time settling down. I know my son was bored with the drawing material (he's a talented drawer, so this didn't surprise me), and acted out because of it. The teacher was very gentle with him about it, we all sat down and talked. Michael learned that he needed to grow up a little and just deal with it, and the teacher did come up with some new things for him to do. So it all worked out. As we near the end of the year, I feel like the class has really hit it's pace. My son seems to be really excited about school again. I was very excited about next year. I talked with the teacher a few weeks back and he was telling me about some of his plans for the following year. I was really excited about the upcoming years, and felt lucky to have this new, fresh, excited teacher who seems to really care about the kids and want to just keep getting better. I'd much rather have someone like that, who makes some mistakes along the way, than someone who may be more polished overall, but is stagnate.

And then yesterday I found out that his contract most likely will not be renewed. I won't go into details because I'm not sure how much of what I know is supposed to be public knowledge. I will just say that I am about 99% certain that politics are involved. Which really pisses me off, because not only is he getting a raw deal, but the kids suffer. I am dreading telling my son that he won't have this teacher next year (I think maybe his teacher will tell him, but what I really dread is him having to find out, no matter the source). I know he was really excited about continuing on with him. The class is working on a play right now, and they are all excited about it, but for me it is so bittersweet. I have literally been in tears off and on since last night; last night I had to drink a triple shot of Scotch (something I rarely do) just to get myself drowsy enough to let sleep take over the churning that was going on in my mind. And then when I woke up, it was the first thing that popped into my head, immediately followed by this knot in the pit of my stomach.

I don't get to talk to the other parents very much, but Jim does. He hasn't heard any complaints about the teacher. And I know of at least one family who feels the same way that we do about it. I really hate politics and crap. I feel like there is something I should be doing. I feel like I should fight. I'm not a confrontational person, but this is big, and it involves people I care about. I care about this teacher as both a teacher, and as a friend. And obviously I care about my son. I just don't know what I can do, or at least what I can do that will make a difference.

Did you know that I hate the phone? Well, I do. When I was a little girl, I was actually scared to talk on the phone. I have no idea why. I remember the feeling, but I don't remember what I was afraid of, exactly. My parents would make me place phone calls in an attempt to get over this fear. I specifically remember one occasion where I wanted to go somewhere, and they told me I needed to call and make sure the place was open. My response? "Never mind, I don't want to go."

I'm not anywhere near that pathetic now. My first job out of college was working in the IT department for Motorola, which meant that I had to take lots of phone calls, so I got over any lingering fear of the phone pretty quickly. And now I telecommute full time, so I have to use the phone. I'm ok with it, but I still don't like it. I'd much rather use email or instant messaging.

I've been trying to figure out why that is. I think it's because I like to think things through before responding. When I'm on the phone, I feel put on the spot, and I don't like that. This really only applies to business type decisions. But I don't really like talking on the phone with my friends, either. Being a female, this is kind of weird. It's like, I have a mutant gene or something. I'm supposed to like talking on the phone. I don't feel put on the spot with my friends, per se. I think it's just that I'm not a particularly chatty person. Hmmm, that's not always true. I can sit and talk to some people forever. But sometimes I don't have anything left to say. Or just don't feel like talking. When I'm sitting with someone, small silences aren't weird. But they are awkward on the phone. I also don't know how to end the phone call. I feel like I have to have some acceptable reason to get off the phone. So I find myself looking for something, like "I need to make dinner" or "I need to put the kids to bed". If I don't have something like that going on, I panic, because then I don't know what to say besides "I'm tired of being on here, I want to go". Which feels rude. And it usually has nothing to do with the person on the other end, I'm just ready to be off.

I guess I'm just not a very verbal person. Maybe that's it.

I just found out some news that is very devastating to me, and that directly impacts my children.

No, no one died, or is terminally ill, or anything like that. And my children are fine and nothing has happened to them. I can't go into more details right now, but all I can say is I'm angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, and scared. I feel sick inside and can't wait until I go to sleep, because that's the only possible way I can think of to escape how I feel right now.