Homegrown Texan

I know I said I'd make "thankfulness" posts.  Then I went to Canada.  It was a trip that I thoroughly enjoyed and needed, and that I am truly very thankful for.  As always, I felt like Dawn, Henry & Matt were my family (even moreso than some of my real family).  And, as always, I didn't want it to end.  However, strangely, it didn't hit me as hard as it usually does.  I think because I know we'll see each other regularly.  Our friendship is just too strong for anything else.

What I wasn't prepared for was how depression would slam into me when I got back.  And it isn't just the "my vacation is over and now I have to face the yucky real world" post-vacation blues that I usually get.  This is full out, I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself depression.  I *need* to find a job.  And I have no idea if I can.  During a good moment I feel like it's a numbers game...like I have to go through some magic number of grueling job applications and even more grueling job interviews (engineering interviews last a minimum of 4 hours...most of them last all day) just to win the numbers.  It sort of feels like being told you have to support your family by winning the lottery, so I just keep buying tickets and hope I get the right one before I run out of ticket money (where "ticket money" is both mental & emotional energy, as well as actual money, which I'm running out of).  That's on a good day.  On a bad day like today it feels like God (if I believed in God) is an abusive stepparent, and me finding a job is like me asking to go out with my friends to the movies.  My stepparent makes me go through all the motions of doing all of the chores, getting perfect grades, behaving perfectly, and then maybe, just *maybe* if stepparent hasn't been drinking or hasn't had a bad day, he'll let me go out.

Or...maybe he won't.  The point being that I feel like even my best may not be enough.  And I have no way of knowing.  I'm just supposed to keep doing it.

I am thankful for my youngest son.  For one, his health, as he was born premature and not so healthy.  However, asside from his small size, you wouldn't know it now.  But I also love what a joyous spirit he has, and how amusingly literal he can be.  And I love how sometimes very complex-beyond-his-years thoughts sometimes tumble out of his mouth, and then he goes back to being his usual silly, goofy self.  I love my little son with all my heart.

I am thankful for my husband, who stands behind my decisions and is *always* ok with me taking some time to myself. I know I deserve the time, but he supports me much more than I ever hoped for.  And with the stress that we are going through with my work (or lack thereof), I'm particularly thankful that we've managed to come together on it, rather than let it wedge us apart.  I'm still scared shitless, but at least I'm not facing my fear alone.

Many of my facebook friends are writing daily statements of gratitude on facebook.  I prefer to take a more anonymous face (even though some people I know personally read this blog, it still overall feels more anonymous), plus sometimes I'd like to write more than I would on a facebook status update.  I've been feeling in a funk lately...worried about my job situation, depressed about being stuck in Arizona, and missing my family.  While I feel like I'm justified in having these feelings, I also know that the negative thoughts are becoming too prevalent, and that is not healthy.  Not only that, I am one who believes that negativity, even just in thought, can actually work against a person.  I sometimes have trouble shutting off my thoughts and feelings, but I think replacing them will work better than simply trying to remove them.

So my goal is to write something I'm thankful about every day, starting with today up until and including Thanksgiving day.

I am thankful for my oldest son's sweet soul.  Sometimes it causes him pain, because he tries so hard to do nice things for people, but he doesn't yet understand the art of taking into consideration what other people actually want.  Case in point: today he got up and made pancakes for the family.  Since the kids are out of school, my husband and I wanted to sleep in.  My younger son doesn't really care that much for pancakes, plus he wanted to use his newfound cooking skills to make himself a bowl of oatmeal.  And I was up nearly-but-not-quite puking half the night, so I just wasn't up for food yet (I may venture out and have a cup of herbal tea in a bit).  So pancake-boy's feelings were hurt.  I feel bad for him and hope that he doesn't learn to just shut that part of himself off.  I really don't think he will...it's an integral part of him that has shown itself from a very young age.  People tell me all the time how it shows what great parents he has and while my ego would like to agree, if I am honest with myself I know that this is really just who he is.  Yes, we can (and try to) do our part to nurture it, but this really is just part of the beautiful person that my son is.  And it's one of the many things I love him for.

I'd really like to rip my female parts out right now, since they feel like that's what's being done to them, anyway.

*puts "hysterectomy" at the top of her Christmas wish list*

Do you ever find yourself going down a particular track in life, and suddenly wake up and wonder what the hell it is you're doing?

I just had that happen to me. You see, twice within 2 weeks I had 2 separate friends (who don't know each other) approach me with a business opportunity. They were different opportunities (one is specifically travel related, the other is retail product related), but both are essentially MLMs (one claims not to be, and maybe by some technicality they are not, but the idea is very similar).

Now I don't think either of these are scams. I think they have some good products to offer and I do think the structures are set up such that the potential for making some money with them is there. Especially if you are not looking at it as a "get rich quick" scheme (which I'm not, and they weren't claiming to be). However, for me, there are a couple of problems:

1) I wouldn't use a lot of the products that are offered. The travel one offers some really cool vacations at awesome prices, and while I'd love to participate, traveling with children in school and while trying to hold down a full-time job is not the easiest thing. Plus, I'm pretty sure none of the packages include the travel itself, which for a family of 4, is often enough to prohibit an entire vacation, even if it were free.

The retail opportunity had some good products, but I personally wouldn't use most of them. As an example, they have a great laundry detergent, eco-friendly, for a great price. But I use soap nuts. They have cleaners, but I use baking soda & vinegar. You see what I mean? Hair care products, cosmetics, pet products, the list goes on and on, but I think I may just be too frugal to be a salesperson. And I can't even begin to try to sell things that I don't really use. Which brings me to the second problem.

2) I am not a sales person. When I was in 2nd grade, I had to sell tickets to a pancake supper we were doing for a fundraiser. I was sure people would buy tickets from me, because it was cheap, no one wants to say no to a kid, and who doesn't like pancakes? So off I went (still a little nervous) to our nextdoor neighbor, timidly knocked on the door, and asked if they would like to buy tickets. They told me no, because they were going to be out of town that weekend. I ran home and that was the end of pancake supper ticket sales. I sold some girl scout cookies a few years later, but those pretty much sell themselves, and even then, I hated every minute of it.

So today, I'm going to call the people I've been talking to and let them know I won't be pursuing this opportunity. One won't be so bad; they just brought me to a meeting they were going to anyway, and stressed that it was fine if I didn't want to do it. The other friend I feel bad about because I've actually spent a fair amount of time meeting with him and his business associate. I feel like I've wasted their time and I feel bad about it. But, it will only get worse if I don't put a stop to it. I'd love to have another income, but this will not be it.

You know what I think? I think there's never a perfect time to implement a life-changing decision. There will never be enough time or enough money, the kids won't be the perfect age or in the perfect stage of school.

If you wait for the perfect time, then you'll never get to do anything.

So now, when I have no job offer, am currently working a job that is 2.5 months behind on paying me, am literally living off of my credit cards, have kids who are happy in school and right in the middle of the school year...

...I'm going to move to Oregon. I'm not saying I'm packing up the moving truck tomorrow. I do have a job *prospect* (which means I interviewed with a company who loves me and wants to hire me, but is having to delay hiring for a currently unknown amount of time). I may have to go myself, first. The kids may not get enrolled in the school we want them in (here if we move to Eugene, or here if we move to Portland) right away. We may even move while I don't have a job (which, my whole life, has qualified up there in the top ten list of Scariest Things In The World).

I will not spend another summer in the desert.
I will not spend another October sweating in summer temperatures when I should be thinking about fall and soup and warm crockpotty things
I will not spend another Christmas feeling like I don't want to cook because it's too hot.
I will be somewhere that is green and beautiful and supports nature.
I will be somewhere where I don't get cabin fever in the summer time.
I will be somewhere where I can garden without having to fight the very environment I'm trying to grow things in.
I will be within somewhat reasonable driving distance of my best friend.
I will be somewhere where I can feel happy, where I feel like I can breathe, where I feel at home, where I feel that feeling of a weight being lifted off of me that I always feel when I'm in the forest.

By next summer, I will be living in Oregon.